I'm going to talk about my boobs again. Sorry. And, yes, as the title implies, this won't be the last boob post.
Ahem.
So, yeah, my boobs. After 10 weeks of pumping, I really hate looking at them 6-8 times a day through the horns of a pump -- pumping and bumping and thumping and jumping as Lila likes to say. Thanks for the pep talk, kid.
I'm reaching down deep these days to motivate myself to pump. Of course I know how beneficial my breast milk is for Violet. That should be enough motivation right? Right? But some days, it's not. And I feel so selfish and horrible about it all.
So my guilt-laden, reluctantly milk-producing self was speaking with Violet's medical team the other day about Violet's spitty problem. I don't think I've mentioned it yet on here but she has reflux, a common preemie issue, which wouldn't necessarily be a problem per se but in her case it's causing her to drop her heart rate and oxygen saturations pretty significantly low once in a while. At times, she's even required a blow-by of oxygen to get her numbers back up.
Anyway, one of the solutions floated out there was to switch her to Enfamil AR, which I guess is some sort of gut thickening formula that stays down better. If you know me well, you know that my eyes pretty much rolled back into my head at that suggestion. {Edited to add: I don't take issue per se with using formula -- both Lila and Rosalie drank formula after I weaned them -- but when you're pumping your nipples off, it's not what you want to hear.}
But then, a day later, I found myself fantasizing (fantasizing!) about being free of this pump and having a reason other than that I just couldn't cut it -- because some days I just don't think I can pump One. More. Time.
Naturally, this thought brought me even more guilt because I was basically getting excited about having an out. Clearly having Violet in the NICU is taking a toll on my ability to think straight.
Going back and forth to the hospital is starting to feel arduous, which is such a joke since the hospital is literally three miles away from our house. There's really nothing difficult about it so I feel absolutely ridiculous for feeling like this. Is there such thing as NICU Fatigue Syndrome? Because I'm feeling it.
Don't get me wrong. I love my time with Violet. And it kills me when I can't be there. I can't put my finger on it except to say that the back and forth is wearing on me. It's like when you RSVP for a Friday night party but then the week leading up to the party is really busy and tiring and by the time Friday rolls around, you really want to go but oh my god it's everything you have to not put on your PJs and just go to sleep. Or is it just me who thinks like this?
9 comments:
My opinion might be unpopular but I do believe that a happy mom is the best mom and although you're clearly an awesome mom and no one would deny that, if you're having trouble and the guilt is too much, give yourself a break. Granted, I know with preemie issues it's different but I breastfed and pumped for 6 months and was starting to drive myself crazy and I just gave myself permission to relax a little, switched to formula and I was able to enjoy all if it more than I was before hooked up to horns and psychotically guarding my pitiful stash of frozen milk.
But whatever decision you make, it will be the best for your family. Best of luck with you and your boobs. The three of you are doing a great job.
Well, here are a couple words of un-wisdom because I've never been mom to a preemie.
I can imagine the driving back and forth would make you want to curl into a little ball. So, the hospital needs to send her home. There. Solved that problem.
Second, pumping sucks no matter what. Both of my boys had bad reflux. They took Prevacid and it helped but Griffin was kinda aspiraty because of it (ended up in the hospital with bacteremia from pneumonia once). I tried Enf AR but it didn't seem to help anymore than regular formula or EBM. But I'm no doctor. They really had to grow out of it, the worst of it.
So there. Not too helpful, eh?
You're going to need all of your strength and energy to care for three little girls once Violet comes home. There is nothing wrong with formula. It's what all of us were raised on, and we turned out just fine. My advice is to shut down the milk factory and transition Violet to formula. Trust your emotions on this one. You'll wear yourself down to a tiny nub otherwise.
Do not beat yourself up about this! I've been reading your blog for a while (because our babies were due around the same time - but I just had mine last week, on time and I was amazed at how early yours was!) and I've been surprised and impressed at how well you've been handling everything! Your other two are so young, you're still able to spend time with them and give them birthday parties etc while having this little baby in the nicu! Be kind to yourself - having a baby is a shock in and of itself without all the nicu drama! As for the pumping, I have my own breastfeeding issues and now that I've started a bottle to supplement my baby I'm fantasizing about giving up the non-productive sessions at the breast too. I will or I won't but I won't kill myself over it and you shouldn't either! Good luck!
I've lurked on your blog (sounds sinister, doesn't it?) for a few weeks now, but my oh my do I know where you're coming from!
I believe that NICU Fatigue Syndrome is REAL! We spent 120 long days in the NICU with my son... and it was the longest 4 months of my life.
I can't say exactly how we got through it, other than my husband and I tried to "stock up" on date nights towards the end... making every point we could to have "fun" whenever we weren't at the hospital.
I also switched up my schedule a bit, still was at the hospital the same amount of time, but tried to give myself bigger breaks away from the NICU for a few days to rest up (ie. went late PM one day, early AM the next, and late PM the day after - so I had that chunk of time on days 2-3 AWAY). I did this only on days I knew his primary nurses would be there and they were always great to give me frequent phone updates.
I learned I had to take care of myself, if I was going to be there for him.
I was only able to pump for about 8 weeks - my milk just never really came in, and that was after trying medicine to help. I finally reached a point where the pumping (because I was struggling to produce even 4 oz in a day) just wasn't worth the angst anymore.
The day I returned the pump to the hospital was one of my happiest! Just getting rid of the daily efforts of pumping gave me a renewed energy that I could in turn devote to my son.
He also suffered from reflux (& IVH, NEC, etc.) and as soon as my supply ran out, was switched to Neosure 24.
I never planned on feeding my baby formula, but then again I never planned on having a micro-preemie either!
They also started him on Reglan - a controversial drug, but I was reassured that his dose and length of treatment would be no cause for worry (and he outgrew his reflux issues by the time he was 10 months old).
They tried thickeners for a couple of weeks, but ultimately he didn't need them... just the Reglan and careful feeding, frequent burping, and inclined positioning.
I hope Violet's roller coaster ride is almost over, and you are able to see HOME at the end of the tunnel real soon!
Hang in there!
:) Aimee
Cara, you're functioning at breakneck speed, with no end in sight, and are burned out. So mny people go through it with one kid, nevermind three kids who are 3-and-under -- one of whom is still in the NICU.Hugs to you. So wish that I could give you wha you so desperately need -- lots of rest, "normalcy" and peace of mind
Cara,
I've been reading your blog for a while. I too am a NICU mom. Rest assured that you are feeling much of the same feelings as many other NICU moms. I visited my twins twice a day for 30 days and I thought that I was a terrible mom for feeling like I really just didn't want to walk into the unit one more night and have to leave empty handed. Pumping made me cry. Especially the 2 am pump. I felt so alone in the middle of the night. I wasn't as lucky as you are with your milk supply which made me so upset. I really wanted to quit several times. I ended up quitting once the twins were home for a month. I wanted to enjoy them and pumping was unbearable by then.
I am in awe of your ability to keep it all together. I can only hope that I would be handling the situation as well as you are. The NICU is an intense place. I recently read an article that stated the number of parents that suffer from PTSD because of extended NICU stays by their children. Hang in there. This too shall pass.
Best wishes,
Ariel
I too was in a similar situation, with a preemie born 10 weeks early. I was first time mom so I hadn't had a breastfeeding story before her. I pumped and pumped (and also got much of my frozen milk kicked out of the community freezer because it was taking over) and felt like quite the machine. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but I did it because that was best for her. When I would reach one of these moments that you are having now, I'd evaluate. The first thing I gave up was the middle of the night pump. I decided that uninterrupted sleep was more important for my mental health (and since I had all of that frozen milk saved I felt that I wasn't taking too much away from her). So, I packed my bra with washcloths and slept.
When I could finally breastfeed for real, it was wonderful and terrible at the same time. She couldn't eat quite right so would choke often and turned blue twice. Pumping continued until I dried up.
Good luck with it all. It's apparent that you are doing everything you can.
Ok, I just read your post above, and I feel you.
I felt like my pump=Satan and the nipple shields were just minions of Satan. But when your baby's a preemie, you're doing whatever you can. There's so much guilt, in many ways, when you've got a preemie. You're sad that your body didn't support a pregnancy to full term or maybe you're semi-relieved to be done with the pregnancy and any pain/discomfort/etc. that you felt. You feel guilty that you can't be with your baby 100% of the time, etc. etc.
Once my baby came home from the NICU, I sat sobbing in the OB's office for my followup. I sobbed to the nurse, I sobbed to the doctor, I sobbed to anybody who would listen. I was exhausted, and I felt like there was so LITTLE that I could be doing, and yet at the same time, I was so completely overwhelmed. I was pumping nonstop but getting very little milk. I was exhausted from recovering from my emergency c-section due to HELLP and preeclampsia as well as the constant back-and-forth up to the hospital where I felt like all I could do was just sit and stare at my baby through the glass. And I was emotionally scarred from the entire experience, beginning to end.
My OB looked me square in the eye and said, "honey, you'll never find a bigger advocate of breastfeeding than me, but you've got to give yourself permission to stop." She gave me permission but she also stressed how important it was that I give MYSELF permission because I was juggling so many other things.
All that to say, whatever decision you make, you can't beat yourself up. You're making the best decision for you and your family.
Hugs to you. Hang in there.
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